OFFBEAT HOLIDAY FLICKS

Most people have favorite holiday films. Personally, I enjoy the old-school standbys; It's A Wonderful Life, The Bishop's Wife, and White Christmas are right up there in my top five. Add in A Christmas Story, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, and Elf, and you've got some great movies that truly convey all kinds of warm, funny, and wonderful Christmasy sentiment. There are other movies that add their own unique stamp on what the season means, some of them being relatively little-known. Here are a few examples:

WARNING---WARNING--WARNING: *MASSIVE SPOILERS*!!! So don't keep reading if you wish to be "surprised"...


ALL MINE TO GIVE, 1957

Unfortunately no local library has this DVD in their collection. The DVD cover art, which is original to the movie's release over fifty years ago, has a tagline that reads: "Six kids on a true and wonderful adventure!" This is one of the most misleading teasers in cinematic public relations history. It has the reader imagining a sextuplet of young ones perhaps sledding on particularly icy mountains or facing down some Scrooge-like, anti-Christmas archnemesis. In fact, it's about children losing both parents to highly contagious diseases and having their family rent permanently asunder.

This tale is based on a true-life story set in Wisconsin. Robert and Mamie Eunson (Cameron Mitchell and Glynis Johns) are Scots who have just landed in America (the year is 1856), having been invited there by Mamie's uncle. They arrive in the tiny logging village of Eureka, only to be informed that both uncle and his cabin have been incinerated in a house fire. The Eunsons are assisted by the friendly locals in reconstructing the house and Robert takes to tipping timber. It should be noted Mamie is heavily pregnant upon their reaching Eureka; she delivers baby Robbie soon after the cabin is completed. Robert eventually starts a successful boat building business and Mamie gives birth to five more children: Jimmy, Kirk, Annabelle, Elizabeth, and Jane. The Eunsons are prospering and happy--until little Kirk is diagnosed with diptheria. Mamie and Kirk are quarantined while Robert takes the other children away. The boy recovers, but the goodbye kiss he gave Dadda before his departure proves fatal, and Mr. Eunson succumbs.

Mamie takes to working as a seamstress and Robbie becomes the man of the house. Things stabilize, but only briefly: tired and work-worn, Mamie contracts typhoid. Knowing she won't survive, she charges her eldest with finding good homes for his siblings. After her death, Robbie does exactly that, dispatching his brothers and sisters to kindly townsfolk. Stoic and resigned during the process, he does break down when he's alone and sees the tree outside the homestead where his father had carved the names of the children into the bark. Baby Jane is the last to be handed over--Robbie stands at the door of a house and asks the woman who answers, "Will you take my sister, ma'am?" Pathos, lachrymose, mourning, and gloom! (It reminds me that in Great Britain, this movie was released under the title The Day They Gave Babies Away...*gulp*!)

He then turns and trudges, solitary and struggling, up a hill in a snowstorm. You may ask, "What does this horribly sad tale have to do with Christmas?" Robbie is breaking up the clan on Christmas Eve, wisely thinking people are more likely to accept taking in an orphan while filled with the holiday spirit.

I remember having my grade school show this film when I was a kid and half the auditorium was weeping openly by the end. While many people would avoid something this maudlin during a time of year we're enjoined to be merry and bright, I find it triumphant and warm-hearted. It was finally released to DVD just last month--I hope one local library decides to add it to their Christmas video collection.



THE GREAT RUPERT, 1950

This is a DVD the Main has in its collection. It stars Jimmy Durante as Mr. Amendola, a vaudeville performer who's come upon very hard times just before Christmas. He, his wife, and their lovely 20-something daughter, Rosalinda, are forced to take up residence in what amounts to a drafty, broken-down garage. Mr. Dingle is the tight-fisted landlord; his son, Peter, strikes up a romance with Miss Amandola.

Rupert is a talented performing squirrel (be aware he moves by very early stop-motion animation, which comes across as more than slightly bizarre--plus he smokes!) who is on hiatus with his human partner, Joe Mahoney, until a circus rolls into town with whom they'll perform. A seriously worthwhile question to pose here may be: just what IS Rupert in the film? Is he a mildly-lifelike-looking squirrel doll? Or, worst case scenario, is he---a taxidermized rodent...?! Oh, the possibilities...

Rupie discovers Mr. Dingle is hoarding bundles of cash in a wall and, brilliantly, starts throwing it down at the impoverished Amendolas, who take it to be a Christmas miracle. This movie is also known as The Christmas Wish, ostensibly because Rupert dispenses with the greenbacks on several occasions when Mr. Amendola shouts, "Rosalinda needs a new pair of shoes!" at the ceiling...oh yeah! Merry, merry!

SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS, 1964

This movie is exactly what gives science fiction a bad name. The Martians are nothing more than humans dressed in what look like pathetic third-rate Halloween costumes. The cheaply-constructed set--just check out the hysterical robot from the movie's poster, used as the DVD cover--looks as if, altogether, it cost about $500.00. And the actors are hammy and overblown beyond belief.

The storyline is that the children of Mars are collectively obsessed with watching Earth television, and are becoming deeply depressed because they don't have Santa Claus or Christmas on the Red Planet. Kimar, King of the Martians, and his wife Momar "Mom Martian", are distressed. The Grand Martian Council is convened and Kimar asks for their assistance. Voldar, a rather bellicose Martian, insists Santa Claus is a terrible influence, whose playful ways and amusing toys will only make the children of Mars "soft". Nonetheless, after seeking the counsel of Chochem, the oldest man on Mars (at 800 years), Kimar decides he and the council shall blast off to Earth and kidnap Santa Claus.

In describing this movie, I will use the phrase "special effects" with sarcastic quotation marks because they are so very, very badly done. Think of "Star Trek" and remove about 80% of the coolness of the original Trek world. The Martians arrive and meet Billy and Betty Foster, who explain that while the Martians had seen dozens of "Santas" through their telescope, the real one lives at the North Pole. The wee ones are promptly kidnapped and taken to Santa's Christmas workshop.

I should mention there is a dimwitted dolt Martian named Droppo whose bumblings help the tissue-paper-thin plot in a few instances. The actor who plays Santa makes for the oddest St. Nick ever seen: he chuckles dryly instead of ho-ho-ho-ing (f-r-e-a-k!). His overall presence may be likened to a socially backward bachelor uncle who makes everybody around him dreadfully uncomfortable; his hopelessly lame attempts at humor find Billy and Betty staring at him in disgust.

Santa and the kiddies are delivered to Mars, where Santa makes far-out space toys for the Martian children (of whom we see only Kimar's offspring, Girmar and Bomar. Wow, the effort that must have been expended in figuring out these Martian names...). One of the strangest scenes is when the four children "attack" Voldar with water pistols, foam dart guns, and wind-up toys. Santa Claus decrees Droppo the Idiot to be the official Martian version of himself and then he and the Fosters are returned to earth.

Perhaps there's only one good reason why this film needs to be visited: it's the epitome of kitschy and crazy, and the song "Hooray for Santy Claus" is certain to stick in your mind for some time (like it or not---actually, I found this jaunty little number to be the sole saving grace of this bizarre feature.)

While the Main does not possess this title, two county libraries do have it on DVD.



COME TO THE STABLE, 1949

The Sisters of the Holy Endeavor are not to be messed with, may be an apt summation of this old school Hollywood offering. Sister Margaret (Loretta Young, who also stars in The Bishop's Wife) has returned to America from France, where her religious order has its motherhouse; she'd served there in a hospital dedicated to kids during the horrors of World War II. Inspired by her order's mission, she comes to Bethlehem, Connecticut, with Sister Scholastica (Celeste Holm), intent on establishing a children's hospital there.

The nuns have nothing in their favor as they go about their way. The local bishop refuses to endorse their proposed mission. After wandering about without shelter, they are housed by Miss Amelia Potts (Elsa Lanchester), a reclusive artist who takes pity on them. Conceiving a plan to beg monies from local rich folk, they land on the doorstep of mob boss Luigi Rossi, a prototype of every mafia don known to the camera, whose reaction to being visited by nuns is amusing. Mr. Rossi lost his only son in the war, and is won over to the cause when promised that a stained glass window dedicated to his son's memory will be part of the hospital's chapel. Slowly, surely, and with a great deal of faith in their cause, the Sisters find the funds to have the hospital erected. The dedication Mass occurs on Christmas Eve, hence the tie-in to the holidays.

Based on a short story by Clare Booth Luce, this delightful tale is not yet available on DVD (very regrettable!--this is not uncommon, though; after all, All Mine to Give only made it to DVD on November 11!), although the Main does have it on videocassette.

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Brave, newly-orphaned pioneer children, enterprisingly optimistic Roman Catholic nuns, freakshow Martians converted by an extraterrestrial St. Nick, and a benevolent, nicotine-addicted rodent: quite the cinematic array for the holidays! Happy viewing!